


honey it'll be alright, wash your shame away

by poes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poes/pseuds/poes
Summary: Clarke and Bellamy take the first step in dealing with his mental health.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	honey it'll be alright, wash your shame away

Clarke has been sitting on the couch in her and Bellamy’s apartment for the past half an hour trying to finish a book; she should just give up and accept it won’t happen given that she hasn’t made it past the first three pages, the words blurring together while her mind focuses on Bellamy. Lately she’s been worried about Bellamy, she had noticed him getting more and more withdrawn from her and their friends these past few weeks and she had a feeling it had to do with his mental health taking a left turn after his last fight with his sister, one of their worst by far and one she could see had taken its toll on Bellamy and his self-worth.

One night, after they decided to stop being stubborn and become friends, after months of being at each other’s throat every opportunity they had, aided by the help of a few shots of that new alcohol Monty and Jasper had recently come up with; Bellamy had confided in her a little about his depression, he told her how it started in the beginning; quietly, unassuming, slowly creeping in and infiltrating his every waking moment, the only reprieve he had being the numbness of sleep; he talked about how it warped his perception of time and of the people around him, how alone it made him feel, knowing that no one in his life could truly understand the crushing weight he had to live with, had to suffer through for weeks, months and one time, even years, the latter happening around the time when his relationship with Octavia was at its lowest point and the only person in his life was Miller, who was busy taking care of his dad and had other more important matters to attend to so he didn’t feel like he had any rights to bother him with his own problems.

When they first saw each other the morning after, the conversation was stilted and awkward, Bellamy not being able to look her directly in the eyes, Clarke’s now ashamed to admit that she had pretended not to remember the conversation so Bellamy could stop acting so cautious and embarrassed around her, it’s not how she would have liked that conversation to go but between the weird limbo their newfound friendship seemed to be in and Bellamy’s obvious shame at how open he had been the night before and her not wanting to ask the wrong questions and make him even more uncomfortable, she had convinced herself that she was doing the right thing, sort of like that childhood notion of _if I can’t see the monsters that_ _means they aren’t real_.

Now, two months into their relationship and one month after moving in together, Clarke had noticed some out of character behavior coming from Bellamy, not going on his usual morning run at the break of dawn and sleeping until noon, eating less and less and not being his usual nerdy eager self when watching their tv shows in the night, just mournfully staring at the screen with vacant eyes; at first she had tried to rationalize it on her head, tried to convince herself that he was just sick and he would snap out of it at any moment but she knew deep inside that this went deeper than a simple cold and she had to be strong for him, no matter how scared of the unknown she was, she softly smiled as she was suddenly reminded of Bellamy’s favorite quote from one of his nerdy books and she promised herself that she would take courage because there was no doubt in her mind that if their roles were reversed Bellamy would do be there for her and help her through her bad days.

Clarke finally understands that just because the monsters aren’t visible it doesn’t mean they don’t exist; she wishes she knew what to do, wishes there was some magical handbook that told her what needed to be done but while she may not be fully educated in the subject of mental health, she knows enough to be aware that the trials vary with each person and that everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

From what she’s gathered, Bellamy’s way of dealing with his mental health is going to monthly therapy sessions with Dr. Santiago and taking his prescribed medication, he’s more open with sharing about the former but the latter is a sensitive subject she never touched with him because she could sense his embarrassment every time he had to take a break in one of their date nights to take his pills, in the nights she stays over he’ll wait until she’s occupied with something else to sneak away and take them so she doesn’t see him doing it; now that she’s here, in this moment with Bellamy silently suffering under the weight of his sickness, she realizes she may have done more harm than good by staying quiet and not asking the necessary questions in fear of saying the wrong thing, Clarke is reminded of that phrase she had heard Bellamy tell Octavia, _slay your demons while you’re awake_ , and realizes how true it is, they both should have been more responsible and open about this so they knew what to do in a moment like this; she makes a mental note to research as much as she can about mental health and to talk to Bellamy about how to support him in times like these but for now, she steels herself and goes to check on Bellamy.

Clarke quietly walks to their bedroom where Bellamy has been all day, only going out to use the bathroom and quickly returning after, she slowly pushes the door open and sees Bellamy laying down in bed in almost pitch darkness, the only light being a tiny sliver of sunlight coming through the drawn curtains; she carefully makes her way over to his side of the bed to check if he’s asleep and finds him with his eyes open and a faraway look in them.

Clarke slowly reaches her hand towards his cheek and whispers a quiet, “Hey.” 

Bellamy slowly focuses his eyes on Clarke’s shape and attempts a tremulous smile, his voice rough from hours of disuse, “Hey.”

“I just wanted to check to see how you were feeling, see if you needed anything.”

Bellamy’s eyes drop suddenly to a spot over her shoulder and he says brusquely, “I’m fine Clarke, you don’t need to worry about me.”

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, Clarke thinks to herself; after all, Bellamy is the one who has dealt with this for years, she should have just taken her que from him and left him alone, he’s already dealing with so much and here she is, imposing herself on him and making everything worse.

She quickly drops her hand and attempts to cover up her hurt over his curtness with a smile that she hopes doesn’t look as fake as it feels “You’re right, I’m sorry, just thought I’d come check just in case, I’ll leave you alone, sorry.”

Before she can so much as turn around to step away from the bed she feels Bellamy grab a hold of her hand and gently give it a tug “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry.”

A trembling sigh passes his lips and then, “Would you, can you just hold me for a little bit?” Clarke feels like there’s something lodged in her throat at hearing him sound so unsure and unlike himself and hurriedly nods and heads for the other side of the bed so she can lay down, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist, the way she knows he secretly loves.

Some time passes by and she is suddenly startled when he carefully turns in her arms and embraces her with a nervous look in his face, he opens and closes his mouth a few times with indecision and his eyes start to tear up a little, he says in a trembling raspy voice so different from his sure and confident usual one that Clarke has to snap out of her shock to be able to hear him.

Bellamy points his eyes to a distant spot on the wall above her head, licks his lips and says, “I-, I know that this last few weeks have been bad and I know that we just moved in together and we didn’t exactly get to enjoy it but I promise that as soon as I can, I’ll give Gabriel a call and tell him what’s been happening, maybe he’ll up my appointments or, uh, he’ll prescribe me something else.” He nervously finds her eyes and says with an almost desperate edge to his words, “I just want you to know that I can do better, I will do better, for you, for us, as soon as I get better we can invite everyone over or, or have a night in just the two of us and I’ll show you how good we can be again, just don’t give up on me just yet, I’ll be my normal self again in no time, promise.”

By the end of his speech Bellamy has tear marks over his face and Clarke feels her heart break in a million pieces at hearing his words, at hearing his promise of doing better, as if he is somehow broken or defective and Clarke suddenly comes to the gut-wrenching realization that Bellamy sees himself in that way, as something needing to be fixed and not worthy of love until he is “normal”. No wonder he finds it so difficult to open up about his struggles with her, thinking that she sees him in that way.

Clarke struggles to find her voice and although it sounds a little choked up she powers on, “No, no, Bellamy, listen to me,” he once again breaks eye contact with her in favor of staring at the wall behind her but this time she gently, but firmly holds his face in her hands and makes him stare at her, makes him see the truth in her eyes, “Calling Gabriel to figure out what our options are sounds wonderful to me but don’t for a second think that you need to do it for me, or that my love for you goes away when you have bad days, I wanna be here for you, I-”

Throughout her whole jumbled speech Bellamy has been looking at her without giving anything away so she just keeps on spouting off words, saying anything to stop him from feeling that way.

Her voice breaks and tears prickles her eyes at the heartache and shame she feels at her next words, “I know that I haven’t been more open with discussing your mental health but that’s only because I thought I was doing the right thing, you always get so self-conscious and embarrassed whenever it comes up that I just thought it was better if I didn’t mention it, I realize that it was stupid now but I just,” she gives a self-deprecating weak little laugh, “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” her voice fades away, feeling so powerless not knowing what to say, how to make this better.

Bellamy stares at her for a few more seconds until suddenly he seems to be fighting back tears and starts to look at her with this adoring sheepish look in his eyes, “I, uh, you’re right, I’m not exactly open with my… depression,” he trips over the word and quickly moves past it, “We should have talked about it, I know, that’s the responsible thing to do, Gabriel urged me to but I just,” he gives a trembling sigh, “I haven’t had the best of experiences when sharing that with others and me putting my past traumas on you isn’t fair, I’ve actually talked about that in therapy and I was working on having that talk with you but then it… happened and, well, you know the rest.”

His hand moves up towards her cheek and he starts to gently caress her, “Would you-, do you think you would want to go to therapy with me?” he shyly asks her. “Gabriel recommended we do a session together to talked things out and to learn how to prepare ourselves in, well, in cases like this,” he smiles a bittersweet smile, “guess it’s a little too late for now but maybe for next time?”

Clarke can feel how the fissures that had appeared in her heart this past minutes slowly start to stich themselves together, she knows that it’s a long way to go and that it’s not something that will go away once they start the therapy sessions, knows that his mental health will always be a part of their relationship because it is and will always be a part of Bellamy himself but she thinks, as her lips start to pull up into a hopeful little smile, as long as they face it together she will always find the courage to fight it alongside him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
